PERCEPTIONS OF FAIRNESS: MEDIATING THROUGH DIVORCE CONFLICT

PERCEPTIONS OF FAIRNESS: MEDIATING THROUGH DIVORCE CONFLICT

A good mediation process is a path through the pain of the past and the conflict of the present so each person can embrace a future filled with possibilities. To help move everyone along this path, we strive to bring gifts of fairness.

“Perception is Reality,” right? So how can we mediate a divorce dispute to a fair resolution when each party starts with such vastly different sets of perceptions?

As strange as it seems, a good mediation process will move perceptions by promoting fairness in ways the court system simply cannot. Mediation’s gifts of fairness to a divorcing couple include communication and understanding, cooperation and collaboration, dignity and respect.

Many people entering our adversarial system find that they never have a chance to speak for themselves.

When I am the mediator, I fashion the mediation process around giving divorcing couples meaningful opportunities to tell their stories (recognizing the time allotted). Whether structured as joint conferences or caucus sessions, I get the clients talking. I listen for their concerns, needs, insights and ideas. I listen for their story.

In the adversarial system, some parties suspect no one took them seriously, no one listened.

In my mediation process, I focus on the people in the process. The perceptions of each party matter and coexist, front and center. The divorce solutions flow from each party’s contributions to the outcome.

Some parties leave the adversarial system complaining they were not treated fairly.

A good divorce mediation process treats each person in a fair and even-handed manner. I try to balance time and resources, and to support the people on their journey from problem to solution. The parties remain in charge, and together, they are the decision-makers. The process works toward consensus and problem solving. Ideally, each party moves from one individual set of perceptions into some shared understanding and ultimately to a mutually agreeable solution bringing closure.

Some parties in the adversarial system thought justice would flow from fighting for months about the past and about who was to blame.

I mediate with fresh-starts, each party being accorded dignity and respect. The commitment from the very start is to assess the problem and find solutions that work for everyone. I strive to move the focus from the past hurts to what each person needs and to which solutions provide the best fit. The facts and circumstances, including each person’s perceptions are assessed, discussed, listened to, and evaluated (again, recognizing the time allotted). The solutions flow from the perceptions and lead to the solutions.

Delivering a high-quality process filled with procedural fairness is a mediator’s gift to the divorcing couple. And it makes a difference to the people of goodwill who need a way out of family court.