The Valley of the Shadow of Divide: Building Conversations

The Valley of the Shadow of Divide: Building Conversations

 

In the divorce world, there is division. In mediation, there is division. And more broadly, in our world, there is division. Despite the shadow of divide, there is hope for building conversations.

At Columbia University, the lab of Dr. Peter T. Coleman and his team at the Morton Deutsch International Center for Cooperation and Conflict Resolution have done a lot of the heavy lifting for us. They’ve done the research. They’ve condensed the lessons. And they have given us the path toward greener pastures and still waters. This article shares comments on the ICCCR’s “10 Lessons from the Lab: How to have Constructive Conversations on Divisive Topics” [Lessons in bold].

In today’s world, coming face-to-face with divisive issues is a common, shared experience. From family to friend to neighbor to stranger, we have all experienced it. It makes us all anxious. And it is our new normal. It’s normal.  Lesson #1: It’s right to feel anxious.

Confused by how facts and logic and reason no longer control the dialogue, we search our minds for the solution, the persuasive argument, the logical framework. It escapes our grasp. But moving from the mind to the heart, we can over time find our home base in relationships, a “base of positivity.” The relationship grows with “friendliness, trust, tolerance, rapport and, ideally, humor.” Lesson #2: It’s emotional.

Most often, valid points exist on the polar opposite sides of the divide. These points are not static; they change as the world changes. We may cling to a sense of the way things were, but we need to accept the inevitability of change and reform and resistance and “dilemmas with trade-offs.” It’s complex, and if we oversimplify the challenges, we distort understanding, which in turn impairs problem-solving and lasting solutions. Lesson #3: They’ve got a point.

We didn’t get here overnight. Cracks have been developing over decades, and extraordinary challenges heighten our sense of threat, and more threat brings more anxiety. In such an environment, some societal actors seek money, power and control. They exploit our weariness and fears, playing up the divides, rallying similar minded people to opposite sides, and creating “extremely strong normative tides that are hard to resist.” These societal actors hope that we don’t notice that they are playing us for fools, and they hope we add fuel to their fire and feed into their process. Lesson #4: This divide is bigger than all of us.

Beginnings matter and often set the tone for what follows. We can look for opportunities to engage with a spirit of goodwill, reframe conversations to a higher level of values, and reset when a wheel starts to come off. Put down the weapons of battle: talking points and soundbites. Start with a mindset of curiosity and civility and also consider how we might walk together on a different course. Lesson #5: Initial conditions matter.

If we think deeply about serious problems in our world, we see the complexity. More complexity, more anxiety. Simplicity aids persuasion, but it hinders solutions. Real solutions bring real consequences, some good and some bad. We should focus on what is “more feasible and sustainable.” Lesson #6: It’s complicated.

If we look deeply into the mirror, we see the complexity within us. At times, we are conflicted hypocrites. One impulse points us this way, and another that way. One idea moves us to do this, and another to do that. One choice may violate our own values, and we fail to live up to our best intentions. It’s okay. We’re not perfect, and we were never meant to be perfect. We can accept our inherent contradictions and become more tolerant of others. Tolerance will help us play well with others and work out the solutions. Lesson #7: You’re complicated.

We have a number of biases, including confirmation bias. We welcome information that supports our beliefs, and we close the door to contradictory information. Our minds help us to selectively include and to selectively exclude. We should acknowledge our tendencies to use different standards for different messengers and different messages. We are not neutral. We “can account for it in ourselves with humility, honesty, and a little disciplined openness.” Lesson #8: You see what you look for.

Most of the time, we operate on autopilot. We do a whole lot of things automatically with minimal effort and thinking. Our habitual behaviors can separate us and widen the divide. If we acknowledge this and try something new—like listening to learn something from someone with an opposing point of view—we promote understanding. We can discover something new about the issue, about the person, about the way we think. Lesson #9: Pay attention.

A spirit of cooperation flows from the belief that other people can change, I can change, and we can change together. That spirit of cooperation encourages engagement, active listening, deeper interactions and problem-solving, comfort and acceptance. Lesson #10: Believe in change.

Altogether, these 10 lessons promote constructive conversations and build bridges. Working toward cooperation and conflict resolution will bring light to the shadow of divide and be our path toward greener pastures and still waters.